Tara is visiting her ailing Aunt for a few days so I find myself this morning having enough  time to blog.  I just posted a comment on Daily Babblle which is talking today about paternity leave.

Here it is:

Most men do not take paternity leave in the US because of two underlying reasons. First the entire society is still built upon an organization of work that is based upon the old manufacturing model. This is finally beginning to transform as knowledge workers become the norm, and as women enter the workforce in ever greater numbers to take management roles while undermining the gender-based differences in compensation. But at the moment, even though men increasingly find themselves not the primary breadwinner, socially, it is still unacceptable for men to be the primary caretaker. The Daddy Shift by Jeremy Adam Smith is a great read on this issue.

Sadly, this has not served our babies particularly well. The degeneration of incomes fixed for inflation over time has meant the need for more duel income families. So both maternity and paternity as a role has lost more and more of its value. More babies are placed into daycare and younger and younger ages. So fathers seldom find themselves in a situation where the option for any significant paternity leave is realistic.

I had taken a week and a half of paternity leave after my daughter was born before being “laid off” at McGarry Bowen, an ad agency here in NY. While being let go during the worst downturn since the depression was not a terrific event immediately after having our first baby — adding tremendous strain during what is already the largest transition one can have in your adult life — it did afford me the unique opportunity to be with my daughter for many months.

The subsequent six months were a dream. I wore her out in out Moby where I had many of the same experiences. We live across from the NY Stock Exchange so you can imagine the looks I would get each day, walking the dog with our daughter tied to me.

There were times, however, when the looks, which were not always of admiration, really bothered me. It upset me that it would seem so odd for a man to be caring for his child. Perhaps there was a sense of failure at not being at work during the day – but how sad to be made to feel like a failure for being a caregiver. I also felt at time that it was taking away from my private and personal experience with Theory.  I was not out and about to make a social statement.  I was out to take my daughter into the world.

I have since gone back to a full time role at another ad agency with typically long hours. And while I love my work, I do look back to those many months with our baby a particular gift to both of us. I feel like it gave us such a strong bond as a foundation for our relationship – and it gave me a much much better understanding of what it takes to care for a newborn.

In retrospect, I think it is both very sad how men are not afforded the opportunity to build these intimate relationships with their own children, and I think it comes at a very high prices, one that is not readily visible or accounted for but which we all pay as families in dysfunction, in lost intimacy, and in happiness. If anyone father can find a way to spend more time with their newborn short of losing their income, I would highly recommend it.